“I pay no attention whatever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.” -Mozart

Sometimes my limitations are very clear to me. I am not the smartest guy out there, neither am I the most knowledgeable. In fact there are times when I struggle to keep up. There are also times when I know my grammar isn’t up to par, which can be problematic considering I do so much writing-wise. I do think I tune out things that don’t interest me or things I find too complicated, I am sure if I put my mind to it I can have a decent understanding of them but I’d rather not. Despite my flaws, I have been able to find this comfort zone whereby I don’t have to keep looking over my shoulders routinely wondering if my work(s) stack up. You see, life doesn’t really reward the best, the smartest or the brightest accordingly. You don’t have to be the best in your field, although being the best at what you do helps. I guess what I am trying to say is I do what I have to, not worried about how good it might sound or look to others. There will always be someone that likes it and others that won’t. As long as I am genuine to myself, everything will work itself out.

Seeking inner peace whilst surrounded by turmoil
Chaff in the wind, desperately trying to keep my balance
Do I sway or do I fall? Perhaps the choice isn’t mine
Voices from within that I thought had silenced
Resurfacing to tempt me, urging me to do wrong
In this war with my conscience, there will be no victors
Only victims and scarred psyches, the aftermath of a lost struggle.
Seeking resolve, yet more questions seem to arise
Yearning for calm, yet more uproar follows
Praying for clarity, yet the haze thickens
Light in the distance beckons, but I have grown wary of such
Is it a way out or impending doom?
Questions I constantly ask myself
As I try to figure out my role in this puzzle called life.

I tried writing this without sounding like I am on the payroll of a phone maker. Not that Apple needs any more praise, they’ve got plenty of those to go around, but I guess one could call this another glowing Apple product review.

Yesterday, I foolishly dropped my phone down the toilet. This sinking feeling came over me as I picked it up, desperately hoping it would start up again. I tried not to panic but the dread had come over me. I hadn’t backed up my files in a while, and I knew my contacts, photos, notes and music were all in jeopardy of being wiped out. I tried to start it up again but to no avail. It felt like a futile effort trying to bring that thing back to life, but then I remembered someone telling me that once you get your phone wet, the best thing was to put it in rice to soak it up. I couldn’t wait to get off work to go get some rice. It was the only bright spot I could see in what was turning into a gloomy night. Now some might not be as attached to their phones as I am, in fact I think its unhealthy the way I rely on it, but I have come to realize it has morphed into something I’d like to think of as an extension of myself. When I am without it, feels like I am devoid of something important.

On getting home, I rushed to the store to get some rice and ripped it open as soon as I got home to dip my phone in it. It was a long night to say the least. I kept thinking what if the phone never works again. It was completely my fault that I didn’t back up my files. To be honest, the pictures were on my photo blogs, so in some way they were already backed up. The notes would be tough to recover, but luckily most of my ideas just like the photos were also on blogs and such. Still, the ease at which I could jump into my notes via my phone cannot be understated. If indeed my data were gone, that would be a tough loss to swallow.

Early this morning, I nervously picked up my phone from the bowl of rice, hoping that once I plugged in the charger, it’d start up again. Alas such was not the case. Now I had to think about replacing it and I really wasn’t about to spend 500 or so dollars for a new phone. Yet I knew I couldn’t go without a phone. My phone is my camera, my notepad, my personal computer and the gadget I use to keep in touch with friends and family, some on the other side of the world. I’d already gone a night without my phone, I couldn’t imagine going several nights without.

I mean I don’t think I am addicted to my phone, despite everything I wrote above. Its just a very useful gadget, one that has made expressing myself much easier. Kudos to Steve Jobs and the folks up at Apple. They have created a product that has become a vital part of my life and I am sure there are others out there that feel the same about their Apple products. No knock on the other smart phone makers, maybe there are in fact products that can rival the Iphone. Who knows, maybe in time I will become enamored with another gadget. Hopefully it won’t suffer the fate of my former Iphone, and that’s a cold winter bath that fried its internal circuitry.

Just looking for a place to call home
Left on this journey ten years ago
Still got my traveling bag with me
Hopping from here to there
Nowhere to call my own
Carrying the weight of a dream
Lonely road to travel
Few friends, questioning true intents
People keeping you under their wings, scared you might soar.
Loneliness becomes the norm
Surrounded by many, yet seeing none.
Calm despite all the turmoil
They get mad I don’t get mad
But why fret when your oars are in stable hands
Why dwell on mishaps when you were destined for greater
They see your progress but refuse to acknowledge it.
I sought to be accepted, prayed for criticism
Neither came, left with nothing but my own resolve
Paved my own way, I have the scars to prove it.
I know there’s one place I am always welcome
Genuine love, true warmth
The genesis of my being, the place I used to call home.

I was watching Finding Forrester on the flight back to Chicago, I have seen this a couple of times but today I noticed a part of the movie that seemed to speak to me more than ever.

In an exchange between Jamal Wallace (Rob Brown) and William Forrester (Sean Connery), a heated Wallace questioned Connery on why he remained a recluse and why he refused to share his works with the world.

Interestingly enough a few hours back, I had been debating with myself on whether I’d share all the pictures I took on my recent trip abroad. I’d been having this back and forth with myself for awhile now, this just happened to be the most recent one. I am involved with social networks and sharing is quite common on these sites. Yet I feel some sort of resentment when I do, maybe that’s too strong of a word but I have come to realize that sometimes in sharing your experience with others some confuse it with showing off. It’s a shame this is the case, the intent is to encourage not discourage.

I have so much to offer or at least I believe I do and it saddens me when I have to think about what I put out there and whether or not to do so, in hopes of not offending anyone.

I guess I need to stop over thinking the issue because even in Finding Forrester, William comes to realize that he is doing the world a disservice by not sharing his works with the world.

There are people out there who tell me they like my works be it writing or pictures. Even though I may not know them personally, they let me know that there is in fact some type of audience out there checking out for me.

So as I stare out the plane window (I always try to get those), I know the pics of the beautiful snow mountains below will be going up on my picture blog in a few, there’s someone out there besides me that is going to appreciate such.

Currently in Istanbul, enjoying the sights and sounds. Haven’t been able to take as many pictures as I’d like or visit the places I wanted to, but I think a return is probably going to happen.

The city reminds me of Toronto mixed with Lagos. Besides the language barrier, I wouldn’t mind living here.

For most of my adult life, I have always felt like I have had an adverse relationship with money. By adult life I mean seventeen upwards, when I moved to the states and away from my parent’s house. I remember coming to the U.S. with about five hundred dollars. I remember holding onto it for weeks not daring to spend it. At that time a dollar was worth much more than our currency (it still is, creeping slowly towards 180N to a dollar), I couldn’t fathom buying anything in fear that the equivalent in Naira would be too much. It was my parent’s hard earned money after all and I needed to make smart choices. As time went by, I got more comfortable spending and as they say the rest is history.

Talking about money is usually a touchy issue. Many avoid it, but something happened tonight that made me re-examine my ‘relationship’ with it. I had walked up to the ATM to withdraw some money. I noticed that whoever had been there before me forgot to take out their account balance slip. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Out of curiosity, I tend to look at the balance just to see if I am in good company. More times than not I tend to make myself feel even worse doing this because I rarely see people with similar account balances. This one was no different, in fact it was eye opening. The person had taken out a $100 and was still left with over 240,000. Yes, you read that right….240,000 dollars.

I stood there looking at that slip, thinking to myself what kind of person had left this behind. Was it a man or woman? Is it possible I know that person or I have seen them around?

As these thoughts danced around in my head, I was drawn back to reality and why I was there in the first place. I meekly took out a few bucks, almost ashamed to look at my balance knowing it pales in comparison to the one I just saw.

It makes me wonder what type of person I would be if money was not an issue. It’s not that money dictates everything I do but it definitely is a factor. Take for instance travel. If I had 1/2 of that 240k balance I saw a few minutes ago, I’d travel a whole lot more. It’s one of the things that eats at me. Itchy feet, yet no where to run to. I have always felt relegated to my surroundings mainly because of a lack of resources. Yes I know, there are ways to travel without spending the house, but I want to be able to go to a foreign country and be able to enjoy all it has to offer. Left to me I’d be criss-crossing the world every few months, continent hopping, discovering new opportunities, partaking in new adventures. Money would make this so convenient. It would be my ally in accomplishing this.

Is there a co-relation between money and confidence? Maybe not, but once again just going by an observation I made a while back in regards to shopping and shopping bags, people tend to have a different pep in their step, when they strut around with multiple shopping bags. It’s empowering for them. For me, it would be quite interesting to be able to walk into stores and not have to make a mandatory stop at the sales aisle. Imagine not being a discount shopper, not that it makes me better than those who do that, but being able to walk into any shop of my liking and not be intimidated by prices would be a unique experience for me.

As for now, alas money remains a factor. One I find myself constantly thinking about. They say those who really have it don’t fixate on it but how does one not think about money when every decision you make is affected by it?

In closing, since this is the start of a new year, I am hoping I can start my relationship with money afresh. Maybe we can work out the kinks in our union and start making sweet music. I’d like to think that eventually I will get to a point when I wont even need to know how much I have in my account. A point where money is the least of my worries. Not to flaunt, but rather to live life the way I deem fit.

Happy New Year

In a matter of hours, I will be ushering in the new year. For the past few years I have written an end of year review and 2011 will be no different.

I learned quite a few things in the last twelve months. Life is the ultimate teacher and we its students are constantly being taught different lessons. There’s always room to grow and more to learn. I have had my ups and downs this year, in fact the last two months have been trying, but I have come to realize that most of my problems can be traced back to one thing and that’s money. If I break down why money has been such an issue it mostly boils down to not having the type of job I want and also not getting the type of opportunities I need. It is amazing just what a light wallet can do to one’s morale.

What I have garnered from all this is that life is subtly telling me to get moving. There’s a role for me out there and I need to make the right moves to get into it. I know this because in October I attended open house at a film school in Chicago and I have never felt as comfortable as I was in that place in a very long time. Everything about it felt right. That was my moment of clarity, though it seems I have been getting this for a while now, just not doing much about it. That’s what I am meant to be doing, creating and implementing my ideas. At that point, I knew that if I really wanted to break out of my present mold, I would have to do all in my power to get into that school. That’s why my main goal for 2012 involves acquiring my master’s degree. I understand that’s probably going to mean another two or so years of my life in school, but at this rate I don’t have much of a choice, unless of course I prefer tolling behind a desk praying for miracles to happen. I look around me and I know living pay check to pay check is for the birds. There’s no future in that for me.

For the most part, I did get a lot done this year. I was able to self publish two books, one fiction, the other a poetry book. The intent was to put them out there and see how well it does. I didn’t do it for monetary reasons, and to my surprise, with no publicity whatsoever, people have actually been downloading my stuff. It makes me happy that there’s some type of audience out there for my work. Its the support from the few that makes being ignored by many worth it. Eventually I will get to a point where it will all make sense, but as for now I just have to keep chipping at it. Eventually those walls will crumble.

2011 reinforced what I had already known, and that is, social networks can be powerful networking tools. I have spent countless hours on sites like Facebook, twitter and Tumblr. In particular the latter two. I probably need to cut down the hours I spend on both going into 2012. If one isn’t careful, these sites could act as quick sand, drawing you deeper, costing you many a productive hour. Yet they have their benefits, take for instance Tumblr. It has helped me put out my work and remains a constant source of motivation. We live in a world where there’s inspiration all around us. I am awed by just how much creativity I see on a daily basis. Thanks to sites like that, I can never say I am lacking inspiration-wise.

Whilst 2011 was far from being a perfect year, it definitely had its moments. I developed a passion for photography, and I have fallen in love with my surroundings due to it. The Camera is such a powerful gadget if used properly. Even the most mundane of things can be altered to look fantastic. For the past two months, there hasn’t gone a single day that I haven’t taken a picture. I am far from being a professional, but I take these pictures for myself first and foremost. I am thrilled when others comment on them and tell me they like it, but I derive more joy from taking these pictures and editing them to my heart’ content.

I was able to finally leave the country and visit another after being here for ten years. That was truly a moment for me. I never thought I’d go so long before stepping outside the shores of America, but life can be very unpredictable. You can never truly plan ahead, nothing is guaranteed. I’ll breath an even bigger sigh of relief in a few days, when I finally go back home and see my family. It’s going to be a day filled with emotions.

I’d be lying if I said 2011 is ending on the right note for me. I am not mad or upset, I just thought I’d be doing better. I also can’t ignore the fact that a lot of good things have happened to me this year, and there’s a lot to build upon.

A New Year typically means a new beginning. Time to start afresh, a clean slate. We must also not forget to build upon our strengths and continue to forge ahead. Ditch the negatives in the past and trudge ahead with our heads held high. I think I have gotten to a stage where I don’t make resolutions anymore. Instead I focus on goals. I was able to achieve most of the goals I set forth for myself in 2011, but I need to do better in 2012.

As I sit in this train, heading home, I can’t help but think of those times when I was just like the drunk passengers on this train. Getting wasted on New Year’ Eve, waking up with a hangover the next day. Not that those days are behind me, but for the past few years I have done the opposite. Many people lost their lives this year and chances are many will tonight too. I’d rather give praise and be thankful for seeing another year. Tomorrow is the start of a new year, I’d like to get it rolling with peace of mind.

My goals for 2012 are simple…I want to read more, live more and see more. It’s about darn time I started seeing more of the world. I get to visit Turkey in a few days and then it’s off to the homeland. I probably should be more excited than I am, though I guess that’s also another lesson I have learned this year. What will be, will be! No point overreacting, just live in the moment. That’s all we’ve really got.

Happy New Year

I came here Jan 17, 2002. Straight out of high school, a young kid with his head in the clouds, thinking of how America was going to be my new playground. I still remember those cold chills as I stepped onto the tarmac. I was warned about the American winter but it was something I was not prepared for. I remember vividly that cold blast on stepping out of the plane. It was unreal, nothing like I had ever felt before. It was only for a few moments, but that was my first taste of the cold. The next couple of days were trying for me, as my body tried to adjust to the winter weather.

Ten years later that kid has turned into a man. I jokingly say I was imported from Nigeria but made in America. The truth is that might be the most accurate description of me. I was born in Nigeria, lived there till seventeen but my ideals were shaped by America. I have no doubt if my college education were in Nigeria I’d be a different guy today. For one, my ways of expressing myself would differ and being such a conservative minded nation, so would my views on social issues. Whilst I have been away from home for so long, I am not entirely disconnected from the place. Not when the rest of my family lives there. Not when I have friends there and especially not when technology keeps us all connected. Getting hold of someone is only at our finger tips nowadays. It’s amazing just how much the Internet has revolutionized the world. Alas, I fear being here for so long will most likely make me an alien in my country whenever I go back. I see it all the time. Especially on social networking sites like Facebook and twitter.

I often find myself disagreeing with other Nigerian youth online, especially those ones that have never left the country. I can’t pin point exactly why this is so, but it most likely has to do with our strong traditional values. I fear that I have become too liberal for the country. I should probably speak more in-depth on this issue, but I’ll leave that for another post.

Nigeria is facing tough times right now. A dangerous terrorist sect has dominated the headlines for the past year. It saddens me to write about this because I just had a conversation with my boss, who basically told me to be careful in Nigeria and to protect myself at all costs. The fear in his voice when he said this left a queasy feeling in my gut. How could I explain to him that the Nigeria I know is a peace loving country? How do I tell him that the majority of the people just want to have a jolly good time and enjoy their lives?

Its amazing just how fast things change, and sometimes for the worse. We have always had our problems, mostly of the leadership kind, but most Nigerians would scoff at the idea of suicide bombers and terrorists. Its simply not in their nature to sacrifice themselves that way. That’s why those pining for revolution are skeptical that it will ever happen in that country, mainly due to our non-confrontational nature. There’s a saying that goes, ‘if you push a Nigerian to the wall, that person will most likely tunnel through the wall instead of pushing back.”

That is why this recent spate of attacks is so disturbing. I never thought in a million years that Nigeria would be held hostage by home grown terrorists. Even more disturbing is how ineffective our government has been in dealing with this threat. I already wrote on the issue in this post, I pray and hope that those behind the attacks are brought to justice soon. If not, its not that far fetched to think that the Nigeria we know as it is right now, might not be around for long. Its terrifying just thinking about how this might be the last time I may be going back to see a unified Nigeria. Thankfully the chances of this happening is very slim, but with the way our leaders have tackled the issue, there’s definitely cause for concern.

As for me, it still hasn’t registered completely that I will finally see my family after so long. In a few days, I will be boarding a plane headed for Nigeria, making it ten years since I left the shores of Lagos. So much as changed, my siblings have grown up. Heck within that time, my brother graduated from college and my younger sister is about to do the same. People often ask me how I could have gone so long without seeing my family, truth be told, that was never the intention. Its just with life, it doesn’t take long for days to turn into months and months into years. That’s why time is so precious, because its the one true currency life uses. Depending on how you spend it, you can make the best of it or do the exact opposite.

I came to the states as a boy, and I will be returning to my people as a man. I am very different, and its evident not just in my physical appearance but mentally too. I can’t wait to rub minds with my parents, probably get into a few arguments with them about our beliefs and what not. Its bound to happen, but its coming from a good place. I will finally be around people that truly care for me, and they will shower me with affection. In their eyes my flaws are not magnified. They genuinely want the best for me and believe in my dreams and goals.

I have learned a lot coming to America. Sometimes the road has been bumpy, but I have always known that there are people back home rooting for me to succeed. For the past couple of days I have been burdened by the fact that I am not going back to them as the man I thought I’d be by now, but a conversation I had with my dad today changed all that. Its not the money nor the gifts that they want. They have followed my growth all this while, albeit from afar. They know what I have gone through. They were there with me during the cold days, longing for warmth. They were there to console me when I felt like I was all alone. It was them I turned to whenever self doubt crept in. They accept me for me, and that’s really all that truly matters.

I am beginning to warm up to the idea of going back home, seeing my folks and adjusting to the crazy heat. Its going to be an interesting experience no doubt. So much would have changed, and I am going to be viewed as a stranger. Nonetheless, its home and nowhere in the world will ever replace it.

In closing, I’ll be going back to what I left behind. My biggest fans….my family!

There are many angles I wanted to take with this, but I feel the best way to go is with the title that has been stirring in my head for a while now, in particular one of my favorite shows on television at the moment.

On Christmas day, I came to realize that the most important gift of all is life. Sadly it seems in the case of Nigeria, human life isn’t valued that much, at least not by our leaders. If this was the case, a terrorist sect like Boko Haram would not have the gall to do what it did that day.

I woke up to the news that a series of bomb attacks had occurred in Nigeria. Even more disturbing was the fact that they all happened in churches. It’s disheartening to think that on a day when we were supposed to come together and reinforce all that is good about us and our humanity…we are instead left with this. Innocent people killed by a bunch of misguided cretins parading as Islamists. Let’s make this clear, Boko Haram is a terrorist group. If they really cared about establishing Islamic rule in the Northern part of Nigeria, why kill innocents? Their attacks have not only been aimed at Christians but at Muslims too. Sadly because of a highly incompetent government there’s no reason to believe that these terrorists will stop anytime soon. As things are, it is highly likely there will be more attacks in the next few days going into the new year. If I a regular citizen with no security clearance knows this, why in the world aren’t our ‘so called’ security parastatals doing anything to root these people out?

This is precisely the doom and gloom mind state I was trying to avoid going into 2012. Negativity is corrosive. It eats at you and eventually engulfs you. Yet how does one ignore all the turmoil taking place in Nigeria right now. It’s becoming increasingly clear that the guy in power has no clue on how to run a nation. Boko Haram acts without impunity and there’s no predicting what will happen next. So far they have concentrated attacks on the North, but one wonders, when will they embolden themselves to move to other regions. It’s not like there’s any border security stopping them from doing so.

“We have challenges as a nation; even this morning, a very ugly incident happened in a Catholic Church. We are yet to get the number of deaths in the incident.

 “The issue of bombing is one of the burdens we must live with. It will not last forever; I believe that it will surely be over.’’

That stands as one of the most insensitive quotes I have ever heard and this is coming from our so called president. Unbelievable!

The Walking dead is a fictional show on AMC starring a group of survivors in a zombie infested world. It’s an enjoyable show, focusing on how hard it is to stay alive in a world where nothing makes sense. I believe the country is now heading into that Walking dead territory, where nothing seems to make sense anymore.

Nigeria is being held ransom by a group of madmen who claim they are carrying out these terrorist acts to establish Islamic law in the northern states. It’d be comforting to know that our government is doing all in its power to bring them to justice but such is not the case. Our people are dying and the president thinks it’s a ‘burden’ we should live with. He’s basically condemned us to ‘walking’ dead status. No one is safe, not even the man in charge. Whilst a lot of us might not be concerned about the issue, mostly because it hasn’t hit close to home, I on the other hand shudder at the thought of where the country is headed.

The ship is rudderless and the captain is drunk. Its currently moving through choppy waters and the passengers are terrified. Looming ahead are a bunch of jagged rocks, all capable of capsizing the ship easily. To make matters worse, there are a bunch of sharks circling below. They sense the opportunity at hand and are waiting for the opportunity to strike. The poor passengers turn to the only source they know, head upwards, praying for a miracle. Alas they have been doing so since 1960 with no such miracle happening. Skepticism aside, maybe the miracle is the fact that the ship continues to stay upright for so long. It baffles me how Nigeria continues to survive as one single entity despite so much distrust amongst its people.

I’d like to end this on some positive note, maybe put up a few positive lines but none comes to mind. Just like the show walking dead, merely making it to the end of the day isn’t cause for celebration. In fact it only means they get to stick around to see more suffering, desperation and frustration. Maybe there’s someone out there that can grab a hold off that ship and steer us to calmer waters. Maybe just like the show, a ‘Rick’ type leader will rise up amongst the people. A man who questions his role in the apocalypse but rises to the occasion every time it is needed. Lord knows we need a man like this, we’ve been asking for one for damn near fifty years now.

Instead of Merry Christmas, we are left saying Rest in Peace to those who lost their lives on that tragic day.