I am so very thankful for my life and my experiences, its not perfect but I am satisfied with what I have accomplished and what I will accomplish.

This isn’t about me though, this is for everyone out there who feels they have made mistakes in their life and can’t forgive themselves. For everyone who has been in a relationship or relationships for that matter and always thinks they were in the wrong when things don’t go right. For everyone who wakes up everyday trying to do the right thing but don’t know how. For everyone who knows they are doing their best but they can’t see the result, please don’t give up.

I came across some very interesting writings recently that really touched me. Made me put things into perspective and also made me realize why certain people are the way they are. If you can’t forgive yourself for past transgressions, no one can. This makes it difficult to move forward because you keep thinking you are not worthy and you will probably mess this one up again. I wish I could let them know its okay to realize you have made mistakes but its also okay to forgive yourself. We are only human after all.

How long can you hold unto your mistakes and flaws and not realize that its taking a toll on you and yours? You can only be at your best when you have let go of all that negativity. How many times will you cry and beat yourself up before realizing its time to move on with your life?

Sometimes we hold onto the past so much that it blinds us from seeing what’s ahead.

You might feel like you are irreparable, damaged beyond repair, but I promise if you give yourself a chance to heal, you will be surprised at the outcome. I am glad to say I know some amazingly resilient people who have gone through some unfortunate things in their life. Some even on the brink of giving up, but their incredible human strength kicked in and they persevered. I also know the feeling of beating yourself up so much you become numb to the pain. Questioning every and all things. Why me? Why does it have to be this way? But you know what, this has only made me stronger. Lessons that I know will come in handy in the future. If you are reading this, I just want you to know, never let your situation define you. You should always expect better for yourself.

I am the kind of guy that wants that storybook romance. You know the one where both lovers are brought together by some interesting event triggered by fate. Meeting in some romantic destination, eternally joined together, overcoming all obstacles being tossed at them. Oh well, maybe that only happens in movies and on TV. If there’s anything I have learned in the past few years, its I still don’t understand what women want in guys.

Pretty much every woman I have talked to tells me how they have been wronged by men and how awful men of today are and all that good stuff. Not trying to discredit their point, I see my peers and see how some treat and view women, its quite sad to be honest but I also look at myself and guys like me and begin to wonder, why do we have to get lumped in the same boat as the jerks?

I don’t claim to be perfect, never did. I am just a guy trying to better myself and achieve my dreams. I used to think with those type of goals, it wouldn’t be difficult finding someone who would appreciate such. After all, I don’t have a harem of women on the side, believe that I have to work hard for what I want in life, well educated, and I am loyal to my loved ones. I guess some could say I sound bitter, but that’s not my point, its the fact that every time I approach a single lady who claims she is looking for a guy whose got their head on right, they seem to get intimidated by me. Like I wrote in a recent blog post, I was told that I come off as being too smart. What does she expect me to say? That I am sorry for not living down to her expectations? What you see is what you get. I will not put on an act to attract females. People go into relationships getting one aspect of a person and then when things get serious realize the person is not who they cracked up to be. I am not that guy who buys you roses and candy when we start courting and then stops once he has gotten what he wants. I am consistent all through. Its either I do that from the get go, or not do it all so as not to send out the wrong messages. This doesn’t mean I wont try to make things work with someone I am in a relationship with. I am not some obstinate fool that won’t listen to positive criticism. I believe I am quite malleable yet I know I am not someone who will be taken advantage of.

Maybe this is an expectations thing. Maybe the women I am attracted to aren’t into a guy like me. That could actually make sense. Which leads to another thing? How about me? Do I even have a type of woman? Regardless of what people might say, attraction does matter, but I don’t think I am extremely picky. I have been attracted to all sorts of women, of all of shapes, colors and sizes. I like to call myself a hopeful romantic. I believe in love, “love to love” is a term I often use, but my version of love isn’t cheap haha. I am a high energy type of person, I love spontaneity. I don’t want the same routine everyday. I want a woman I can talk to about sports, politics, the world, my goals, her goals. I’d love a balance, you know, a sophisticated woman but also one who doesn’t mind getting girlie. Classy but sexy. Loyal and ambitious, not just someone who is satisfied by just living paycheck to paycheck. Maybe that’s a lot, but to me its not. If I have high expectations for my life, shouldn’t I have the same for someone who potentially might be sharing it with me?

Sigh! Its these type of thoughts that run through my mind, sometimes wishing it didn’t have to be so hard finding ‘the one.’ But you know life has a funny way of sorting itself out, who knows maybe I might just get that fairy tale encounter after all.

So I decided to put up some of my thoughts I had up on my twitter today. Sometimes I’ll just get in a random mood and all sorts of things will come to mind. Today was one of such days.

Started off with negative friends and relatives who claim they know the best for you, meanwhile what they are really doing, maybe subconsciously is trying to bring you down so you stay on the same level as them. Here’s my exact quote from twitter,  “You know that friend of yours that is supposedly looking out for you. Making sure you don’t get with the wrong person or into the wrong situation, well have you taken time to realize that misery loves company. The more miserable and lonely you are, the more you have to talk about it with them. That’s their goal, to always be that person you rely on.”

And then it evolved into this, “There’s no ‘how to manual’ for life, neither is there a ‘making it in life for dummies’. Most of us are learning on the go.”

“I am not afraid to admit I read ‘the secret’…yes the secret from Oprah’s show and I really really wanted it to work. I believed in the whole visualization thing, you can attract whatever you want and all that good stuff. I used to work a crappy job, so I had the book on audio version and would listen to it whilst going to work at like 4am in freezing weather. Needless to say, the stuff I would dream about hasn’t come through yet, but it doesn’t mean I failed. What the secret thought me is to believe in possibilities, never limit yourself. Its something common in most religions. Dont limit yourself. So whilst sometimes I feel like this past two years I put my life on pause, the weird thing is I have accomplished a lot. More than ever I know what I want to do in life, and I am focused on it. I grew an extra backbone and its called resilience. I guess thats why I can never be scared of losing my voice, as long as I have a pen and pad, I will never be voiceless.”

And there you have it, not bad for some early morning motivation.

Tiger Woods is the subject du jour of every tabloid, media publication and gossip blog out there. Unless you have been living under a rock, you probably have heard of his numerous trysts. its been the media’s favorite topic of late. The story is juicy and dripping of infidelity from a man once thought of as untouchable. Mistresses keep popping up out of the wood work, there’s no end in sight it seems to the number of women Tiger Woods had an affair with. The once immortal looking Tiger sitting atop sports Mt. Olympus now looks like a common scoundrel, or at least that is what some members of the media would like you to believe.

I tried to steer clear of talking about the issue, watched from afar as every Tom, Dick and Harriet dissected Tiger Woods. Passing their moral judgments like they truly understand the man and know what goes on in his mind. Of late though, I think things have gone too far and its time for me to comment.

First of all, Tiger doesn’t owe you nor I any apologies. As far as I am concerned, his family is the only one that deserves any sort of explanation from him. Yes he let a lot of people down, but isn’t that what the public apology was for? He has already lost sponsors, the man’s image has been wrecked, he will never be looked at the same.

Secondly, lets get into the whole cheating issue. In my opinion, successful men and extra marital affairs are almost as common as ice in the North pole. Bottom line, it happens and it happens A LOT! I am not a psychologist, I can’t sit here and act like I comprehend the psyches of such people, maybe its the power, maybe its the greed, maybe its problems within the relationship, but for some reason many successful people cheat on their partners.

I am not condoning cheating, especially when children are involved. It leaves too much of an emotional mess. They don’t deserve to be brought into all that trouble.Sometimes I wish people could be honest with themselves. If you don’t believe you are a monogamous type of person, why get involved in a relationship that requires such? A lot of us have deluded ourselves into believing we are capable of keeping our libido in check, but as we are often reminded, this is rarely the case.

Tiger Woods is the most well known athlete in the world. The very first athlete to earn over a billion dollars, yes even over the likes of Michael Jordan and David Beckham. Tiger could arguably go down as the greatest athlete of all time, though there are some that believe his marital woes will probably cost him that spot. To which I tell them, I don’t recall Michael Jordan’s extra marital affairs destroying his legacy, neither is it stopping Kobe from being the most lauded player in basketball.

When you are successful, there’s a bulls eye on your back. All sorts of people gravitate towards you. Some for good reasons, others not so good. Its widely known that promiscuous women trail stars like bees in search of nectar. Case in point, attend any All star weekend, particularly that of the NBA, and observe the types of women that show up to the events these athletes are. We like to think that stars should be held to a higher standard than the rest of us, yet forget they are humans and humans are still liable of falling for their basic carnal instincts. How many men can say no to multitudes of pretty women continually throwing themselves at you? Is it any wonder that most of the women Tiger messed with are somewhat attractive?

I am a guy, I get tempted also. I wish I could just turn off my libido when I please, but its never that easy. We live in a world where access to sex is pretty much at every avenue. Turn on the TV, browse through the channels, tell me you don’t see how sexuality is being portrayed. If a normal guy can be tempted, imagine what the world’s most popular athlete faces on a daily basis.

Can we really cheat nature? I doubt it. Despite all the evolution, at the end of the day we are still animals. Look across the animal kingdom, how many are tied to relationships like we do? Most of the time sex is strictly for reproductive purposes and once that is over, its off to another partner. Human relationships are much more complex. I wonder if this takes a toll on us, and if we are just reacting the way we were intended to. I am pretty sure early caveman had no concept of marriage, who knows if that was more beneficial to their society or not?

As for the media, its hard not to see that some of them are playing dirty. If the media was so concerned about the sanctity of marriage, why not be more honest about some of these stars and their extra marital affairs? Are we really supposed to believe that Tiger is the only golfer that has mistresses? Why portray the guy as what’s wrong with all of sports? I think I know why though. This particularly star had come off as superman, the winner who could do no wrong. He looked impervious to any and all attacks, that is of course before his male unit decided to swing out of control. Sad how his own mistakes will be the cause of his downfall. The blow-hard Glenn Beck had the nerve to compare Tiger Woods with OJ Simpson. OJ freaking Simpson!!! I mean, what do they have in common? One guy was accused of murdering his wife, the other cheated on his wife. Then again Beck is quite good at race baiting. Its obvious that he is trying to get a rise out of people, focusing on the fact that both men are minorities who married white women. Who knows maybe in Beck’s little word, interracial relationships should never exist. With some of the outrageous things that man spews forth, I wouldn’t be surprised if he truly believed that.

Tiger’s biggest mistake was being successful and getting married. The media would never hound guys like George Clooney and Derek Jeter, who have been associated with various women. You can be a notorious womanizer, but as long as you don’t put a ring on someone’s finger, it doesn’t bother the hypocritical moral authorities. This is not an apology for Tiger’s actions. He brought this upon himself, but I do wonder why the extra zeal on the media’s part to expose any and everything about this guy, his family, and his alleged affairs? He is not the only cheating public figure out there and he sure as heck won’t be the last. I wish him and his wife the best, hope they can reconcile their differences for the sake of the children. Sadly I doubt this will happen. There’s just too much dirt on the guy out there and I doubt it will stop anytime soon. I can’t imagine his wife hearing all the things Tiger’ mistresses have to say about their affairs and ever looking at him the same. That relationship is in big trouble.

Finally, a few words on the gold diggers. Its been established that Tiger is a cheat (as far as marriage is concerned). He will never shake that off, but what about his mistresses? Funny how they are all quick to come out to the media to give details of their affairs. With the type of money the media doles out for these stories and of course the shot at infamy which could lead to book deals and reality shows, these women are jumping for joy that they were able to get involved with Mr. Woods. That my friends, is the type of society we live in. A society that promotes fame by any means necessary. Who cares if it destroys families? Who cares if children are hurt in the process? I don’t think having the label of ‘home wrecker’ is anything to be proud of, but watch as these women start popping up on TV shows and act like they never did anything wrong. Bet you they knew the man was married before hopping into bed with him. Isn’t it interesting how we try to dignify these gold diggers by calling them mistresses, when in reality they are nothing but skanks. No self respecting woman would involve herself with a married man and then jump at the opportunity to expose all their dirty laundry in hopes of making some quick buck. Yup, that is definitely skank like behavior.

Congratulations society, congratulations media. Welcome to the new breed of people, ‘the do anything to get famous’ type. Now if only someone had told Mr . Woods about this, maybe that would have been enough to keep his swing in check.

So two days ago, I had an interesting conversation with a certain female I hadn’t talked to in a while.

Basically she told me, I was weird because I was too intellectual and it was downright annoying. My initial reaction was shock, but after a couple of days of letting it sink in, I realize that is probably why I should not let people with low goals and dreams pull me down. I know I have already touched on it, that my personal growth has probably rubbed some the wrong way. Recently I have seen some people try to undervalue me, I see the way they react to me, and I know behind my back they talk about my ‘naivety’ and lack of motivation. Sometimes I wish I could put my thoughts on screen and show people what I aiming for and trying to achieve. Then again it probably will rub them the wrong way. When you have a plan for your life, and you look to be on the way to success, not a lot of people will be happy for you.

Drake said it best in the “Say Something” song, “Its funny how someone else’ success brings pain, when you are no longer involved and that person has it all.”

That pretty much sums it up. Never underestimate anyone, you just never know what that person is capable of. I mean why should I apologize for trying to be better? Why do I need to hide my wit so as to please others? If she can’t appreciate me for being intellectual, then there’s no point in us being friends in the first place. I wouldn’t want others to be anything but themselves. Be happy with you!

At the moment I really don’t like my present situation, but the prospects of a better future motivates me more than anything. I have ideas I am really giddy about, I just pray God lets my dreams become reality. The well of ideas he seems to have blessed me with, I hope never dries up.

On that note, can’t believe its December already. Glad to have made it this far, hoping 2010 really brings a lot of great things in my life.

Some of us have been fortunate enough to listen to pretty much every song Shawn Carter AKA Jay-z has ever put out. I have been following him since the days of Reasonable Doubt up till his very last release, ‘the blueprint 3′.

Its hard not to realize that the man has changed, his music and persona have evolved. Some might call him a sellout, others like me, might see the genius of the move, trying to take a page from what I call ’social evolution’.

Right off the bat, let it be known, Jay-z is not my favorite rapper. Heck he is not in my top 5-10 lists of rappers or musicians that I fervently follow. With that said, his impact on pop culture and rap music is undeniable. The man will most likely go down in history as the greatest rapper to ever live. He has 10 number one albums to his name, a feat only surpassed by the legendary Beatles. When it comes to music, he has pretty much done it all. Sold out tours, collaborations with some of the world’s best artists, a successful business empire, married to arguably the biggest name in pop music, you name it, he’s done it. A real life version of King Midas.

You know I could write a real lengthy post, chronicling his rise in the rap game. His various battles, dissecting his lyrics and albums, but that would definitely be quite an ambitious blog post. The man saw a lane in rap, and he dove head first into it, out pacing all his competition along the way.

There’s a lesson to be learned from his story though, and its quite a simple one. “Not everyone was meant to be in your life forever” He came into the game under the tutelage of Jaz-O, then hooked up with the eccentric Damon Dash, who helped him build up the successful Roc empire. In the 90s, the Roc empire boasted artists such as Amil, Memphis Bleek, Beanie Sigel and the State property crew. From there, Jay went on to become president of Def Jam, where he signed acts like Kanye West, Rihanna, Rick Ross etc

Without getting too much into details, Jay went from drug dealer to corporate mogul. He ditched the characters in his life that continually got into trouble and would hamper his image, and traded them in for the likes of Beyonce, Kanye West and Rihanna, more socially acceptable personalities.

He’s already gotten into some notable ‘beefs’ with his former label mates. Beanie Sigel, Camron, Jim Jones, Jaz-O just to name a few have all thrown barbs at him, but he addresses this all in his new album, ‘The Blueprint 3′. Talking about how much success he has garnered and how he can’t be stuck in his old ways and expect to get better.

I don’t know what goes on in Jay-z’s mind, but something tells me, he is probably gunning for that title of first rap billionaire. Of course greatest rapper to ever live is something he’s mentioned in a few songs and luckily for him, that title is probably within his reach. To me, Jay was the biggest beneficiary of the Pac-Biggie deaths. It vaulted him into the limelight and he took it and ran with it.

I can’t help but be fascinated by what the man has achieved. From making it out of one of the most notorious neighborhoods in America, to rubbing shoulders with big wigs such as Oprah and Barack Obama. Yes Mr. Carter you deserve a standing ovation. If only more people would realize that to achieve grandiose dreams, it usually takes a lot of sacrifice and dedication.

I haven’t even started on my life’s journey yet I see similarities between mine and Jay’s. Not everyone presently in my life will make it to the finished line with me. I already see the rifts opening up, but that’s fine by me, God blessed me with a gift, I am not going to waste it.

So an interesting conversation occurred last night on the way back from thanksgiving dinner. My uncle was talking with his wife about the best areas in Chicago and how he would love to live in a million dollar home. Then he mentioned, he prayed often about winning the lotto, because that was the only way he could ever have enough money to live in houses like that, either that or one of his kids became a professional athlete.

Then and there I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, “why put a cap on your ability? Why limit your potential?”

I decided to keep quiet, its usually not in my nature to butt in rudely, besides I am cautious about stuff like that. Its obvious we don’t think on the same wavelength. I haven’t told them of my goals, and I doubt I will. They wouldn’t understand. How do you tell people who only think your best shot at making millions is to win the lottery or play some sport? Its a shame though, because that mentality pretty much affects everything they do in life. From relationships to simple decisions such as buying a car. If you don’t think you deserve the best, you won’t get the best.

I guess that’s also another reason why I try to distance myself from people with low ambition. That can be quite contagious. The people you associate with say a lot about a person.

Always thought to myself, even if I won the lottery today, my drive for success wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t get complacent and fall back on the millions, matter of fact I’d use that as a vehicle to get my ideas off the ground.

Still searching for that opening, still trying to make my dreams reality. Its not as easy as I thought, but I believe I am up for the challenge. I believe the fact that I am so uncomfortable in my present situation its a driving factor for me to get something going really soon.

Came across an interesting Malcolm X quote today. He said, “If you have no critics, you will likely have no success.”

Weird enough thats beginning to ring true in some aspects of my life. The critics or should I say doubters are beginning to rear their heads.

Sad but true, there’s no avoiding it, its clear as the blazing sun on a hot summer day. I have grown apart from those I once used to be close with. Not out of anger or resentment, but more out of personal growth. We just don’t have much we can relate to.

It does bother me, because a while back I commented on how lonely I am, not from a lack of company, but from a lack of equals.

I know I haven’t caught up with friends in a while, but I sense things will be a bit awkward, because they follow my posts on social networking sites and probably have realized by now that I am quite a fascinating character.

I wish I could express to them properly that my online persona and my real world persona are quite different. I have no filter online, I speak what I think. I find it easier to write my thoughts than convey it in speech. Hence why they get so much volume online but in person its like I am a different being.

I won’t dumb down though. This is me, and I like where I am headed. Yes its not been rosy, yes I still have doubts about the path ahead, but who I am today as compared to me a few years back is like night and day.

Any friend of mine that wishes I were still that timid, insecure kid is not a good friend as they don’t want me to progress. We can’t stay on the same spot hoping things will come our way. You have to take risks in life, learn to think outside your box.

I wonder if this will affect my chances of meeting a great gal. I chuckled writing that. The thought has crossed my mind, that maybe I intimidate people. Sometimes I do come off as wordy, but that’s just me though. I don’t want to sugarcoat things for anyone. Best to know real me, than some pretentious clown. I am confident in my abilities, I believe God has granted me a gift, and I pray everyday he guides me to my promised land. Why should I feel guilty for that?

People limit themselves. You don’t have to be like everyone else. Why not give yourself a shot at doing something with your life? How many think ahead, 5, 10, 20 years from now? What are your plans for your life? I don’t want to be stuck behind some desk, working 9 to 5, slaving for some corporation, worried about bills and whatnot.

So on this thanksgiving eve, I realize I do have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for, the gift of life…no one knows when they’ll go. Some had it yesterday but are gone today. I am still here and thankful for it.

I am thankful for, resilience you’d be surprised at how hard I try to better myself and how many close calls I’ve had. Not everyone can walk in my shoes without folding.

I am thankful for, lovers, haters, backbiters, doubters, you name it. Everyone has a role, and they have all played a part.

I am thankful for, those who only know me on the surface and never took time to really get to know me. They’ll be surprised when my time comes.

I am thankful for, God blessing me with this gift because basically what he did was guarantee that I wouldn’t have a normal existence.

So yes whilst everything I asked for hasn’t fallen into my laps, I can still breathe a sigh of relief because I know I achieved a lot this year. The sky is the limit, I just hope I never get dissuaded from following my passion.

Happy thanksgiving!

Its weird how I am usually the one trying to console others, willing to listen to their problems. Always trying to be empathetic about what others are going through. Yet maybe I might just be the one who needs the consoling.

I think I am at a point where I am just tired of beating myself up. I am in need of some darn good news. Maybe its the toll of not seeing my family in so long, or being stuck here without a job, or maybe its just the loneliness, craving a partner, or better yet maybe its a combination of everything I just mentioned. Regardless of whatever it is, I am sick of the negativity and its time things start turning around.

Is it arrogance to expect better out of life? Doubt it. I look around at what my peers are doing and can’t help but think I am behind the curve. On the other hand, I also look at some of the things I have embarked on and think to myself, wait a minute, maybe its the opposite.

It just sucks to put so much effort into something and not see the benefits, at least not yet.

I had an interview last week, the lady talked glowingly about my empathetic skills and calm demeanor. I was almost tempted to tell her, if only you knew what was going through my mind. Most likely I get the job, which is bittersweet in that I need the money but wish I didn’t have to do that.

I need my batteries recharged. Need to get out of here. Heck need me some damn good sex lol. Whatever the case, it wouldn’t hurt getting a vacation. Maybe seeing my parents again would do it.

I heard New Moon has shattered opening day records and I am thinking too myself, wait a minute, I have got a bunch of ideas like that but yet have no one to give them to. Truly frustrating, but then again I am reminded, I am still young and have got all this time ahead of me. See that’s the crutch, it always reverts back to the age thing and how much of it I have or think I have. Quite frankly, I hate it. Age should never be an excuse. What does it matter if I am successful now or at the age of 40? I have stories to tell now, I dont want to have to wait 20 years from now to get a shot.

Its thoughts like this that constantly run through my mind. I just wish it weren’t the case.

I cant describe how I feel. Don’t know what to call it. My best try would be to say, I am like an autumn leaf, being blown all over the place by the wind – Directionless.

So often just feels like no one understands my plight. Trying so hard, yet no results. Just completed my second pilot a few days ago. Should be excited but truth be told, I feel like crap. Whats the point of churning out good ideas if no one will check it out?

That’s the dilemma I face. I know what I want to do, I love doing it but I don’t want to waste my time doing something I won’t see results.

To top it off, I really, really, want out of here. Can’t take it anymore. Desperately need a change of scenery. Been cooked up indoors too long, need to get my freedom back.

The question often pops up…why me? Why do things have to be so complex? I seriously doubt any of my peers have the mental battles I do. Is it too much to ask to want to excel at what you love to do?

Life’s pretty monotonous right now. Its the same tasks over and over again and boy am I sick of it.

Wish I could end this with something uplifting, but I can’t. I don’t know when things will get better.